(Originally published at http://passionforcinema.com/a-horrible-first-impression-to-make-at-an-audition/)

I went for an audition last Sunday. Expecting a long journey and a long wait, I had a heavy lunch, followed by a tall glass of cold coffee to bolster myself up. I took bus number 459 to Mulund. It was a hot day – the rains hadn’t started then – so I had a glass of nimbu pani at the bus depot.
 My final destination was a short auto trip away, but within barely a minute of sitting in the auto, nature started calling – to its destination number two. This sometimes happens to me if I drink a significant amount of coffee or tea without having submitted my full daily quota to Mr Commode in the morning.
 The pressure started increasing, and so did my sense of consternation. Why, God, why now, of all the times? Just when I’m about to reach my audition. I wondered what I’d look like to the casting folks if the first thing I did on getting there was ask for the bathroom. And what if they didn’t have one? God no! What a horrible thought! I wondered if I’d be able to finish the audition, get back home, and then make my donation. Immediately, the pressure went up a notch, condemning any such thought as utterly stupid, because it would take me at least one and a half hours to get home. I’d be a gone case long before then. I’d seen a Sulabh Shauchalay somewhere on the way, but where?
 And how the hell was I to give a proper audition with something else pounding away at the back of my mind, or rather, at the back of something else? I do a good act of someone in urgent need of a commode, but what about acting when I myself would be in dire need of one? I’d be putting pauses and stresses in my lines at all the wrong places, dictated not by the character but by certain back offices in my body.
 With extreme unease I alighted from the auto. The audition was on the 13th floor. Not a good sign, I thought. I reached the office; the friend who’d called me led me in. The hall wasn’t furnished; it was being used for the auditions. But it looked promising – it was built as a flat, so surely there would be a bathroom.
 “Hi Kenny. Kaisa hai? Chal, yeh le dialogues, aur ready ho ja.”
 “Pehle bathroom ja sakta hoon?”
 I’m pretty sure this was the second line that came out of my mouth. My friend looked at me, looked around, then said sure, and showed me the door. The bathroom door, I mean.
 So I went in. Good; it was clean. I tried the taps. Yep, no problem with water – thank God!
 There was one more slight obstacle, the camera was placed just outside the bathroom door, so I had to try to keep things as quiet as possible – all right, all right, I won’t go into any more detail, in case you think this is going to start resembling an American teen movie.
 There are some simple, free pleasures in the world that bring a spontaneous smile to one’s face. For me, relief after twenty minutes of extreme stress is one of them.
 After matters were settled, everything went smoothly. Thankfully, I think the casting director and the other crew members were too busy to notice where I’d been. I mugged my lines and delivered them verbatim. In my 70-odd days of shooting, I don’t think I’ve bungled up my lines on more than 5 or 6 occasions. Shameless self-promotion, eh?
 I’d like this story to have a happy ending, but I don’t know yet if I’ll get the part, although my friend, who works with the production team, says I will.
 While this story doesn’t have an end, what it does have is a surprise second climax, something like Aliens and Terminator 2 and The Ring. Read on.
 I took an AC bus to Andheri, intending to go to either Juhu or back home to Malad, depending on the time by which I reached Andheri. The traffic was terrible, and it took nearly an hour and a half to reach the bus depot.
 I was thirsty, so I had another nimbu pani. Guess what started within the next couple of minutes.
 More pressure!
 Oh Gawd no! This couldn’t be happening to me! Twice on the same day! In public places! Why, God, why? I certainly didn’t know the Andheri East area like the back of my hand, and I didn’t want to experiment with the sanitary conditions of the bus depot and train station, so I wondered whether I should try to dash back home. Again, the increase in pressure vigorously shook its head – I wouldn’t make in one piece.
 Infinity mall! Yes, that’s close enough and that’s one place I know will have commodes and will be clean. Chalo infinity!
 I took an auto and promptly got stuck in a traffic jam!
 It was horrible. Rush hour. Bumper to bumper. Einstein compared the theory of relativity to sitting with a nice girl for an hour vis-à-vis sitting on a hot stove for a minute. I wasn’t sitting on a hot stove, but you can well imagine I was sitting on a time bomb, and the auto was probably traveling at about 20 feet per minute.
 I tried to distract my mind. I tried to read the book I’d brought with me, but it wasn’t a Frederick Forsyth or Wodehouse or Dan Brown that I’d be completely lost in its world. And to top it all, the autowallah stank! I mean, he positively reeked! I tried sitting in different contortions to ease the pressure building up down there, but it was impossible to keep my nose anywhere but in the extreme corners of the auto. I don’t know whether the blighter hadn’t washed his clothes or had done the washing but instead of drying them in the sun, had blow-dried them with his mouth before brushing his teeth in the morning. Yuck!
 Open road! Open road at last! Thank the lord! Please now, no more traffic jams or bottlenecks.
 Ah, Infinity mall at last. After an agonizing twenty minutes.
 I don’t know if it’s just me or if it happens to everyone, but the closer you get to your destination, the more your excitement builds, if you get my drift. As I climbed the steps, it was all I could do to keep myself from breaking into a run. Dignity, beta, dignity. Once past the guards, my pace turned into a really fast walk, even though what I actually wanted to do was to make a dash towards the washrooms at Olympic speed.
 Well, I finally got there, and there were no nasty surprise twist endings like finding all the commodes occupied or there being no water because of plumbing maintenance. Phew! Twice in a day!
 Epilogue: That day it was nimbu pani that triggered the dam on both the occasions, but it’d never happened before. So a few days ago, I experimented and again had nimbu pani, this time in safe territory – right opposite Infinity mall just in case the inverted volcano was activated again. But this time nothing happened. I went to Landmark book store and peacefully read the approximately 150-200 page Superman: Birthright and Batman: Tower of Babel graphic novels without any untoward incidents.

(Originally published on www.passionforcinema.com)

Rating: 9/10

I haven’t read any exclusive Iron Man comics before. I’ve only seen him in guest appearances or as part of the Avengers. As a kid, I read all the DC and Marvel comics that I could lay hands on, and as an adult, I’ve bought almost all the Gotham comics with the superheroes that I’m a fan of – Batman, Spiderman, X-Men, The Fantastic Four, The Justice League of America, Hulk and some very special series like JLA vs Avengers, DC Elseworlds and JLA drawn by Alex Ross.

 I’m fresh off Zodiac, a great film from one of my favourite directors, David Fincher. So I was definitely looking forward to seeing Robert Downey Jr in another movie. Iron Man had been given the thumbs up by critics all over, so I was even more excited about another great superhero movie.

 I wasn’t at all disappointed. Far from it, I watched it last night, and I still can’t wipe the smile off my face. There are great movies which you appreciate on an intellectual level – you think, “Oh, that’s a great scene”. But the truly great movies for me are those which get my emotions or adrenaline pumping. The best term I can find right now to describe my state of mind while watching Iron Man is ‘childish glee’. There were many times I felt like cheering and clapping.

 It’s not necessary to have read the comics to enjoy Iron Man. Like I said, I haven’t read any exclusive Iron Man titles, and at no point did I feel at a loss to understand. Those who follow Marvel comics, however, will get an extra inside joke or two, such as creator Stan Lee’s cameo, coming after his brief shots in Spiderman and X-Men. The man has one heck of a brain. Look at the characters he’s created – Spiderman, X-Men, Hulk, The Fantastic Four, Daredevil…

 The movie Iron Man is a superhero origin story, on the lines of Batman Begins. Inside the gold-titanium suit (it’s not actually iron :-) is Tony Stark, a billionaire MIT-graduate genius. He starts out the movie as the world’s biggest arms manufacturer. On being kidnapped by jihadis in Afghanistan, he sees the harm his weapons are causing in the real world and needless to say, turns over a new leaf. Standard stuff for a superhero story, all right, but that would be akin to judging a book by its cover. Director Jon Favreau and writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby have created many, many magical movie moments and great lines, which I believe are among the chief essentials for great movies (what an original thought!). And they haven’t come overnight – Jon Favreau has said he spent two years getting inputs from all over, and it helps immensely that Stan Lee is an executive producer and the movie comes from Marvel Studios. Thanks to these, the characters are true to the comics and not Hollywoodized versions like Batman & Robin.

 I had only one minor gripe – I expected the final showdown to be more than just a one-on-one, but that’s okay. I’m sure the sequel will have more great stuff.

 Welcome, then, Iron Man, to the list of all-time great superhero movies:

Batman Begins                                                                   

Spiderman (I like all 3)

X-Men (all 3)

Superman (1 & 2)

The Only True Batman Movie

Batman is my favourite superhero, because he’s become what he is is through determination and training, not through a nuclear accident. Of course, the fact that his father was a billionaire helped. I didn’t mind the earlier Batman films, but none of them showed Batman for the complex character that he is. Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin (oh god!) all just skimmed the surface of Batman’s personality. Only Val Kilmer showed a little depth to play Bruce Wayne for the melancholy soul that he is. In fact, Tim Burton’s films paid more attention to the villains. Batman: The Animated Series was truer to the noirish atmosphere of Batman comics than these first four movies.

 Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale finally got it right. I had my doubts about Bale’s physicality, but his performance as the troubled Bruce Wayne is so, so very perfect that I’ve become a lifelong fan. I had no reservations about Nolan - I loved Memento and Insomnia.

 Apart from a kiddie-friendly series or two, Batman comics are heavily shrouded in atmosphere – dark, brooding, shadowy, rainy. Astounding works like Jim Lee’s Hush and Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns contain more intense drama and better camera angles than many big-budget popcorn flicks. Batman himself sticks to the shadows and doesn’t give press conferences in broad daylight. Fear is his main psychological weapon – genuine fear, not Hollywood stunts. Nolan’s been the only person to understand this. Off the top of my head, another director I can think of who’d be great at creating the right Batman atmosphere would be David Fincher.

 I have only one complaint against Batman Begins – the action scenes needed to be done more clearly. I’ve read explanations that they were done that way to create the effect of a Batman fight, but that’s not good enough for me. A skilled martial artist will easily be able to choreograph fights which show how actually Batman takes on gangs of thugs. I hope The Dark Knight does better in this department. I’ve been waiting to see this movie for two years, and after I heard Heath Ledger’s laugh in the trailers, I’ve been trying hard to not get my expectations too high.

I was SO very excited when I saw the first online photo of Jackie Chan and Jet Li together in a movie for the first time. I couldn’t believe it. I can’t remember how many Jackie Chan movies I’ve watched – he’s one of my cinematic idols. And Jet Li’s fights have always been wow.
 I was apprehensive about the fantasy genre, however, because I’m a big kung-fu fan, not a wire-fu fan. I don’t mind wire work all that much, actually, but sometimes it’s just too obviously unreal. Wires worked great in the first two Matrix movies, for example, but looked lousy in Charlie’s Angels and Romeo Must Die. I didn’t want Jackie Chan and Jet Li flying around.
 Unfortunately, that’s what they did a lot of the time. I really, really wanted to like The Forbidden Kingdom, but…well, let me directly jump to what’s wrong with it.

(a) The lousy protagonist: Of all things, the hero of the film is not the two kung fu legends, but some kid named Michael Angarano. Nothing personal against him, but his character is just an irritating little idiot of a white boy. Very irritating. He’s a friendless loser, which is okay, but what really trod on my nerves was all his whining. What’s even worse was his whining on a lot of occasions was a kind of plot/dialogue device to try to bring some sense of danger or urgency in the audience. Lines like “We’re not gonna make it, are we?” He was horrible. Whenever he moaned and complained, I mentally groaned and complained.
(b) The dimwitted, for the heck of it romantic subplot: There’s this girl the hero’s supposed to fall in love with, but she’s one of those cliched characters who wants revenge on the villain. Absolutely nothing, repeat nothing happens between these two that would even ignite a small desire on the part of a viewer to see them hook up.
(c) Wires, wires, wires: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Mere use of wires doesn’t thrill me. If wires are used to accentuate reality, that’s fine with me. But if they’re used to show flying-fu and wire-fu, it had better be really beautiful. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero are two movies where wires made the fights honestly beautiful. Come to think of it, I liked Hero more.
(d) Why fantasy? It didn’t have to be a fantasy. There are so many great tracks I was thinking the movie could have taken, even if it had been set in the real world. The fantasy element adds absolutely nothing but an excuse for VFX from some studio.
(e) You can’t have a friggin’ crash course in kung fu! I couldn’t decide which was worst – the hero’s whining, his silly romance, or the fact that he learns two years’ worth of kung fu in perhaps two weeks! At the beginning of the movie, he knows nothing. As he undertakes his journey towards the Jade Mountain, the heroes train him in kung fu (There could have been much more fun with this part – should’ve asked Jackie Chan or Samo Hung to direct). How the hell long can a journey to some mountains take? It seems to take just a few days, maximum a few weeks here, but our great teenager hero masters not only some flashy kicks but also a couple of weapons! Anyone who has trained in any form of martial art (I have) will know you DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT become capable of taking on armies of armed villains after a crash course in kung fu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(f) No real thrills in the fights: I’m really, really disappointed with the fights. They should have been the best part of the movie – they’re not. Jackie Chan and Jet Li’s non-fighting scenes are. Here’s why I think the fights didn’t look as effective as they could have – it’s a small, silly thing, but think about it: their pajamas. If a person’s wearing reasonably straight pants, his leg looks much longer when kicking. Baggy pants or pajamas severely diminish that effect.

Great One-one-One Fights

To compare the Jackie Chan – Jet Li showdown, here’s a list of some obscenely wonderful one-on-ones that really got my blood pumping

1. Jackie Chan vs Benny ‘The Jet’ Urquidez in Dragons Forever. Benny ‘The Jet’ Urquidez was a 42-fight undefeated kickboxing champion.
2. Jackie Chan vs Samo Hung vs Yuen Biao in Dragons Forever. This was a comic fight between three friends/enemies. Wires were used here too, but not to fly around, rather, to increase the speed or impact of someone’s fall
3. Michelle Yeoh vs Zhang Ziyi in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Lots of wire work, but lots of drama as well. Yes, I forgot to mention. Even a fight needs its own internal drama or comedy.
4. Jackie Chan vs the Dutch karate champion and one more villain in Who Am I. This was atop a really tall building, and was truly an adrenaline rush.
5. Jackie Chan vs Richard Burton in City Hunter. Comedy comedy comedy.
6. Jackie Chan vs Bill ‘Superfoot’ Wallace in The Protector. Bill ‘Superfoot’ Wallace was an international karate champion
7. Jackie Chan vs (Can’t remember his name) in The Legend of Drunken Master. Jackie Chan’s a drunken monkey fighter in The Forbidden Kingdom too, but the fights here are nothing compared to The Legend of Drunken Master. And that last fight with the villain – oh gawd! He bloody lifts his leg and stretches it 180 degrees off the floor!
8. Jet Li vs Billy Chow. My favourite Jet Li fight.
9. Tony Jaa’s first two fights in the bar in Ong Bak. I fell in love with martial arts movies again after watching Ong Bak. Tony Jaa is a true martial arts superstar. He’ll never be the actor that Jackie Chan is, but he can kick arse!
10. Bruce Lee vs Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon. I don’t really need to mention Bruce Lee. I’m sure everyone’s seen his movies.

All these fights had a goosebump-inducing quality. Not so with a single fight in The Forbidden Kingdom, which is a real pity.
 Jackie Chan usually has his own team of people for fights, because he’s comfortable with them and they know how not to hurt each other. When he does a fight, he explores the location thoroughly and imagines how the whole set and props could be used in the fight. This is what sets him apart from any other action hero. He’s used refrigerator doors in Rumble in the Bronx, chillies in Project A, ladders and benches in many, etc etc.

Jackie Chan in Western films

Jackie Chan is not only a great martial artist but a gifted actor. Even if he didn’t have any fighting skills, he’s still a brilliant actor – no one can deny he’s a fantastic comedian. In The Forbidden Kingdom, I didn’t even realise it was him playing the old man until the second scene. He’s a great director too. His humour is often low brow, but very rarely is it boring or unfunny.
 Brett Ratner is the only director who’s been able to understand how to make a Jackie Chan film. I enjoyed Rush Hour 1 and 2 immensely. Shanghai Noon and Knights were fun films, but didn’t have outstanding action. Others like The Medallion, The Myth and The Tuxedo have been weird films that simply don’t do the man justice.

My Favourite Jackie Chan Movies

For those who want to see Jackie Chan’s best work, here’s a list of my personal favourites, in no particular order. Most of these movies are technically pale compared to films now, and the plots are of course silly or cliched, but I love them for their beautiful fights, or their highly funny scenes. With Jackie Chan it’s almost always both together. His films are family films that you can sit and watch with your parents and kids without any worries of embarassing moments. They’re good, clean, entertaining, minimal-blood fun. And I really respect him for that. He’s mentioned in his documentary, ‘My Stunts’, that he wants fights to look beautiful – people should go wow, not yeesh at the sight of blood. I fully agree!

1. Supercop
2. Mr Nice Guy
3. Dragons Forever
4. The Legend of Drunken Master
5. Police Story
6. Police Story 2
7. City Hunter
8. Project A
9. Project A II
10. Rumble in the Bronx
11. Who Am I
12. The Young Master
13. Armour of God
14. Wheels on Meals
15. The Protector
16. Half a Loaf of Kung Fu

PS: In the semi-like event that someone might want to watch a demonstration of Wing Chun Kung Fu with my teacher and me, here's a video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC1IfXS8qeM

Capsule Reviews of Some Movies I’ve Watched Recently

Punch Drunk Love: 8/10. Very sweet, quirky comedy. I haven’t seen the typical Adam
Sandler movies, but I’ve liked him in Anger Management and 50 First Dates.
Philip Seymour Hoffman, one of my most-liked actors, has two major scenes and
they are simply terrific. Luis Guzman got some real hard laughs out of me with
just a couple of askew looks. In most comic moments, the reaction is usually
more important than the actual act. Mature actors like Emily Watson have an
ease on screen that’s a pleasure to watch and learn from.

The Pink Panther Strikes Again: 9/10. I always knew these movies were funny. For the
first time, I’ve seen just HOW VERY FUNNY. I think I’ve laughed the hardest in
the last one year in this movie. It’s madcap, dignified lunacy from head to
toe. Peter Sellers is a sublime example of maintaining an extreme character
believably. His French accent is hilarious! I’ve also seen him in The Party,
where he plays an Indian, and even there, his accent is 90% spot-on. I’m going
to watch all movies directed by Blake Edwards. The Pink Panther goes to my list
of all-time funniest slapstick comedies along with the Naked Gun movies and the
Hot Shots movies. I’ve watched the remake, and I somehow didn’t find Steve
Martin as funny as Peter Sellers. I think he remained Steve Martin to a large
extent instead of Jacques Clouseau. Furthermore, the tone of the remake
sometimes veered away from its genre – the Jason Statham sequence looked like
it had escaped from The Transporter, and Jean Reno was suffering from a Da
Vinci Code hangover.

Sirf: Sirf pacchees minute mein hall se bhag nikle. I don’t know how so many big
names got into this.

Zodiac: 9/10. Ah…ah…ah…Wonderful! From one of my favourite directors – David Fincher.
There’re no slow motion shots or flashy camera tricks, just great dialogue,
great pacing, and great acting. Jake Gyllenhall, Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey
Jr. For those who don’t know, it’s about a real life serial killer in
California(?) in the 60s and 70s. The real killer was never pinned down with
foolproof full proof, but in spite of that the resolution of the movie is
satisfying. It’s two and a half hours but it’s amazing how it just grips you
right from the first shot.

The Fountain: 7/10. One of the most visually beautiful movies I have ever seen.
It’s set in the 16^th, the 20^th and the 26^th centuries in the Mayan forests, Spain, and outer space among others. The story can be a little ambiguous and needs a lot of afterthought to figure out fully, but for people who don’t mind stretching their brains during a movie, The Fountain is an absolute treat. Those interested in paintings and
photography will also feel like a kid in a chocolate shoppe. Rachel Weisz shows
how to carry off a dying role with love and dignity. You’ll like this movie if
you like Charlie Kaufman-esque movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind, Being John Malkovich, Adaptation or sci-fi like Déjà vu.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: 9/10. This film is great if you don’t mind
stories in which anything can happen. It’s also for fans of Kate Winslet and
Jim Carrey the actor, not Jim Carrey the Mask or Jim Carrey the Ace Ventura. I
don’t think I should give away the premise – let’s just say it has something to
do with voluntarily erasing specific memories from your brain. Those who liked
No Smoking will probably like this.

No Country For Old Men: 9/10. The winner of the best picture and best directors
and best supporting actor Oscars this year. I haven’t seen all the movies so I
can’t comment comparitively, but oh! What a performance by Javier Bardem. The
man is darned scary in this movie. And his voice – I think it might be among
the deepest voices on this planet. Watch No Country For Old Men simply for this
man’s character. I’ve stored the movie just to rewatch his scenes. And one more
amazing thing. There is NO background music in this movie. Niet! It’s amazing
how the Coen brothers have created such a tight, tense movie without resorting
to deep bass notes or cellos or anything. It’s all about top-of-the-line
directing, writing and acting. The end left me going What the hell, but the
movie was well worth it. I highly recommend it.

The Isle (Korean): 3/10. An overrated movie, in my opinion. I watched it because I
really liked Kim Ki-duk’s 3-Iron, but here I was left marooned. I didn’t like
the hero’s character; the heroine was okay in a noirish way. People ask what
was the movie’s message. I usually don’t; a good story is enough for me, but
The Isle gave me neither a ‘message’ nor an engrossing story. A couple of
scenes of self-mutilation were highly gory and in my opinion, pointless. In
fact, I watched about 20% of the transitional and doing-nothing scenes in fast
forward – it was that slow.

The Simpsons Movie: 10/10. Perfect. I’ve never watched The Simpsons on TV before –
I don’t watch TV – but that was no hindrance to enjoying this masterpiece. I’m
amazed – in this era of 3-D animation, I never noticed that this movie is
actually 2-D. I guess it’s because it’s a perfect animated movie – fast and
very funny, with absolutely no down time. Worth repeated viewings.

Elephant: 6/10. An award-winning independent film by Gus Van Sant, the director of Good Will Hunting and Finding Forrester. It’s hard to say anything about the
politics of the movie – it’s about the Columbine school shootings without
claiming to be so. It doesn’t throw up any answers – maybe it doesn’t mean to.
However, the techniques used in this movie drew too much attention to
themselves, I feel. (“Hey, what a cool shot.”)

(Mr Anupam Kher is as entertaining in real life as he is on screen. This was one of the many stories he told us students during our days at his acting school, although I haven’t yet taken his permission to post his story here. Do put down your comments, so that maybe I can show them to him one day.)

This happened in the days when Mr Kher was teaching drama in Nainital, having passed out from the National School of Drama.
 Among others, one of the voice exercises involved short, sharp, loud exhalations of breath, done with the sound “Ha!” One can well imagine that several young men and women going “Ha!...Ha!...Ha!” would have been pretty loud, and the sounds were quite audible outside, even though they used to practice with the doors closed.
 One fine evening, at the end of the session, Mr Kher opened the door and who should he see but two young boys looking at him with awe and reverence.
 “Yes?” he said.
 “Sir, please teach us also karate.”
 Take a moment to think about it. These poor fellows had no idea what exactly used to happen inside; all they could hear were people going Ha! Ha! Ha! Bruce Lee had happened to the world, and these two fine young men had come to the conclusion that the ‘Ha!’s were accompanied by kicks and punches.
 Mr Kher was nonplussed for a moment. “Please, sir, take us as your students,” said the boys. Mr Kher’s compassionate heart and shaitaani dimag were both equally activated, one by the sheer respect for him in the eyes of the boys, and the other by the extremely juicy potential of the situation he found himself in. They were so very enthusiastic he didn’t have the heart to tell them that he was as much a karate teacher as Bruce Lee had been an embroidery instructor.
 “Let’s see,” he said in a non-committal tone and stepped out, his shaitaani dimag going into overdrive, wondering how he could milk the situation.
 The lake was just a short walk away, so he went towards it. The two boys were following him like he was taking them to a Himalayan peak where he would impart them yogic wisdom.
 A wooden railing bounded the lake to prevent clumsy people from falling in. Mr Kher looked at the railing and thought, “If I karate-chop one of these wooden beams now, it’ll simply kill these fellows. Let’s see now…this one looks too strong…this one’s slightly termite-eaten, but…ah, this one looks totally rotten – time to show off my karate prowess.”
 What Mr Kher hadn’t seen was that the wooden railings were fortified with iron rods underneath. He continued his grandstanding show.
 He stood in a casual pose next to his chosen beam, as though he did this every other day, cast a watch-me glance at the boys, raised his hand, brought it down hard, and –
 AAAAAAA….!!!
 I leave it to your imagination to visualize what happened when Mr Kher’s hand connected with solid iron. Just picturize a last shot – a filmy cut-to Mr Kher the next day with his hand plastered and arm in a sling, and one of his many comic sullen ex-pressions on his face.

Rating: 9/10

This is after a long, long, long time that I’m writing anything for my blog. Two reasons – one, the computer crashed and was retired hurt for a month, and two, my schedule at Anupam Kher’s Actor Prepares is so tight I barely have time to remember my name. I’m writing this early on a Sunday morning. Last Sunday we didn’t have a holiday as we usually do.
 I watched Mithya on the very weekend of its release. With actors like Naseeruddin Shah, Ranvir Shorey, Vinay Pathak and Saurabh Shukla, and a ‘directed by Rajat Kapoor’ credit, how could I not watch it?
 Lo and behold, the lead character VK, played by Ranvir Shorey, is a struggling actor. What fun! His first shot is getting shot in the head and dying on the sets of a movie. He practices a Hindi version of Hamlet’s ‘To be or not to be’ at home while his neighbours yell at him to shut up.
 VK looks exactly like an underworld don, Raje. So Naseeruddin Shah and Saurabh Shukla’s characters decide to bump off the real McCoy and plant VK in his place so that they can run things their way. That’s enough premise, really. If you like these actors, if you like comedy, if you like quirky humour, if you like good stories, if you like stories with twists, there’s no way you won’t like Mithya. I laughed and laughed throughout the first half. The tone shifts a little after the interval, but it turns the story into a nice new direction. I personally would have liked to keep the comedy quotient at the same level, but it works the way it is.
 What can I say about the actors? Even watching them watch others is a learning experience. I’ve been their fan since a long time now. Even the supporting cast consists of marvelous actors.
 All said and done, Mithya is a must-watch film. I don’t see any reason why one won’t like it. It’s a wonderful piece of story telling and entertainment.
 We’re at a phase in the film industry where different kinds of films are at last being made, thanks to the brave efforts of wonderful directors like Rajat Kapoor, Anurag Kashyap, Shimit Amin, Sriram Raghavan, etc. It’s exciting. Hope things continue getting better and better, to the point where people go to watch movies for the stories as much as, if not more than, the stars.

Bottomline:

You might like this movie if you liked: Raghu Romeo, Mixed Doubles, Bheja Fry, Waisa Bhi Hota Hai

Here are my favourite films and performances of the year. If you want to read my full review of the film, click on its name. Two movies which I think would have been on this list but aren’t because I haven’t had the opportunity to watch them are Parzania and Loins of Punjab Presents. Please let me know if I’ve missed anything else worthwhile.
Favourite films

1. Black Friday: My pick to send to the Oscars for its amazing narrative structure, a stunning ensemble of perfect actors, lessons about the politics of hatred and above all, for being one of the most engrossing movies ever. Black Friday was originally supposed to be a 6 episode TV series or a documentary. It got stuck for no good reason in the courts; there’s nothing in it that can be called inflammatory. It shows facts in a dramatized manner, but without resorting to typical Hindi film simplification. I was always a fan of Anurag Kashyap’s writing. Black Friday, No Smoking and Return of Hanuman have made me a lifelong fan of him as a director as well. I hope I get to work with him someday.

2. Chak De India: I went to watch Chak De India more for Shimit Amin than for Shah Rukh Khan. I ended up not only falling in love with everything about the movie, but also had a renewal of faith in SRK, whom I have tremendous respect for as an actor because of his non-Rahul non-Raj roles, but perhaps even more because of the depth of his knowledge and his wit. The dialogue was brilliant, and I became a fan of Shilpa Shukla.

 
3. Jab We Met: I would’ve missed Jab We Met if it weren’t for the ultra-strong recommendation of one of my friends. I can’t remember when I’ve been so stirred up by a love story. I’m not a fan of Kareena Kapoor, but she blew me away in this.

4. Taare Zameen Par: I feel so, so small in front of the genius of Darsheel Safary. This is a film that compares to Titanic in terms of getting the audience to cry. And look at Aamir Khan’s guts in keeping himself out of the story till the interval. My salutations to him and Amole Gupte.


5. Gandhi, My Father: A great insight into the thoughts of the father of the nation and the personal price he had to pay to free us. Akshaye Khanna’s best role, definitely, but it’s Darshan Jariwala’s and Shefali Shah’s performances that leave me at a loss for words.

6. Cheeni Kum: A couple of people have said this film is over-written. I don’t really understand what that term means. I loved it for its splendid repartee and because Tabu’s character is the kind of girl I’d like to spend my life with.

7. Return of Hanuman: Of all the films this year, I think I may have laughed the hardest while watching Return of Hanuman. If you still haven’t seen it, I highly recommend that you do. It’s the best Indian animation film I’ve seen so far. Also, don’t compare it with Pixar & Disney material, because they have boatloads of dollars and we don’t yet. Let Sony or someone give Anurag Kashyap a couple of million bucks, and then sit back and watch the magic.

8. Namastey London: I guess the romantic idiot in me loves these stories where the devoted guy wins his over girl from some other nitwit. Eg Jab We Met.

9. Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd: A very sweet, funny film with a whole bunch of very memorable moments and characters.

10. Chain Kulii Ki Main Kuli: I guess not many people will have watched this film, which even Ashutosh Gowarikar has called a ‘little gem of a movie.’ This is how a children’s movie should be. Fast and a lot of fun. Ok, so it may have been a transposition of Like Mike. But it was still entertaining.

11. Metro: Many things were great about Metro – Konkona, Irrfan Khan, Sharman Joshi, Shilpa Shetty, Kay Kay Menon – but what’s stayed with me the most has been the songs. A whole Hindi film album of soft rock songs! I’d never have thought anyone would have had the guts to do such a thing. Thanks a lot to Pritam and Anurag Basu.

12. No Smoking: Let me be very clear that I don’t pretend to have understood No Smoking. I didn’t. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying it. It was like watching a fun excercise in imagination and creativity. Only when I read Anurag Kashyap’s reasons for making it did I understand his underlying allegory.



Favourite performances by an actor in a leading role

1. Darsheel Safary (Taare Zameen Par): Range, ex-pression, subtlety – in short, genius at age 9! I’m not saying that Darsheel’s performance was good for a 9 nine year old, that’s ridiculous! It was magnificient by ANY standards. Many adult heroes wouldn’t be able to perform as effortlessly and naturally as Darsheel did.
 
2. Pawan Malhotra (Black Friday): Perhaps the only reason I’ve put Pawan Malhotra at #2 is that Darsheel had a wider range of emotions to play. Otherwise Mr Malhotra’s portrayal of Tiger Memon was of such excellence that I could just gape with an open mouth and try to learn. Intense is too overused a word, but I can’t find a better one. Mr Malhotra deserves a ton of awards, but will anyone award him for playing a real-life villain?

3. Darshan Jariwala (Gandhi, My Father): Ben Kingsley, Naseeruddin Shah, Dilip Prabhavalkar. Darshan Jariwala now joins the elite list of people with stupendous portrayals of the Mahatma. I nearly cried in the scene with the communal riots.

4. Vinay Pathak (Bheja Fry): The two ex-VJ’s Vinay Pathak and Ranvir Shorey are among my favourite actors. They just go from strength to strength, creating new characters each time. I wonder how many other people would have been able to carry Bheja Fry on their shoulders.

5. Pankaj Kapoor (The Blue Umbrella): It would be a sin to say anything about the great Pankaj Kapoor without adding ‘in my very humble opinion.’ I didn’t really like the film that much, but Mr Kapoor was INSPIRING.

6. Shah Rukh Khan (Chak De India): I’ve always loved the King of Bollywood, but I was getting really tired of Rahul and Raj. While I can’t deny that I always like watching him in whatever he does, I feel that after DDLJ, Swades and Chak De India have been the only films where he’s really shown how great and intelligent an actor he is. Watching SRK in Chak De India was like having an old friend return at last.

7. Govinda (Salaam-e-Ishq): Govinda is proof of my personal theory that those who can do comedy can do anything. I was most skeptical about this story in Salaam-e-Ishq, but Govinda made his character so lovable and believable, that if I had to pick one story out of the six to make a full film on, it would be this.

8. Abhishek Bachchan (Guru): A great job by Abhishek Bachchan. I feel he aged very well in the movie.


Best Actress in a Leading Role

1. Shefali Shah (Gandhi, My Father): It’s been a long time now, but some of Shefali Shah’s scenes, like the one where she’s horrified that her son’s converted, are still in my mind. After a performance like this, the young mothers-in-law of saas-badboo serials should…

2. Tabu (Cheeni Kum): Being quiet and interesting is much tougher than being loud and attention grabbing. I loved Tabu’s chemistry with the Big B, and the way she brought to life the girl of my dreams.


3. Kareena Kapoor (Jab We Met): This one I very grudgingly admit, because as I said, I’m not a fan of Kareena Kapoor. I loved several of her moments in Jab We Met, though. Hotel Decent and Oho, possessive!

4. Katrina Kaif (Namastey London): I’m a little surprised at this one too. I don’t know how much of Katrina’s dialogue was dubbed, but I found her surprisingly good.


I wish I could put in individual commentary for the performances below as well, but my schedule at Actor Prepares is so tight I barely have time to clear my bowels in to full satisfaction. I’m finishing this article on a Sunday, and I have so many things to catch up on that I’ll just leave it to the respected readers to comment on their favourites.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
1. Mithun Chakrabarty (Guru)
2. Aditya Shrivastav (Black Friday)
3. Rishi Kapoor (Namaste London)
4. Zakir Hussain (Johnny Gaddaar)
5. Paresh Rawal (Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota)
6. Irrfan Khan (Metro)
7. Manoj Joshi (Guru)


Best Actress in a Supporting Role
1. Shilpa Shukla (Chak De India)
2. Amrita Singh (Shootout At Lokhandwala)
3. Ratna Pathak Shah (Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota)
4. Shannon Esrechowitz (Salaam-e-Ishq)
5. Bhumika Chawla (Gandhi, My Father)
6. Ashwini Kalsekar (Johnny Gaddaar)
7. Tisca Chopra (Taare Zameen Par)
 

Best Comic Performance
1. Nana Patekar (Welcome)
2. Javed Jaffrey (Dhamaal)
3. Ranvir Shorey (Bheja Fry)
4. Govinda (Partner)
5. Salman Khan (Partner)
6. Akshay Kumar (Return of Khiladi (in Om Shanti Om))




The What’s She Doing Here award – Juhi Chawla for appearing in Khamosh – Khauff Ki Raat

The Fake Big O award – Rakhi Sawant for Buddha Mar Gaya

The Best Dead Body award – Anupam Kher for Buddha Mar Gaya

The Best Accent award – Ranvir Shorey for the Gujurati accent in Honeymoon Travels

The You Totally Ruined this Character award – Ajay Devgun for drowning the Soosaaid scene in RGV Ki Aag in the kuwa.

The Smudged-into-Goo Xerox award – Fool ‘n’ Final for being a very irritating copy of Snatch

The Neat ‘n’ Clean Xerox award – Chain Kulii Ki Main Kuli for being a fun copy of Like Mike (which was about Michael Jordan’s shoes instead of Kapil Dev’s bat), & Bheja Fry for being a funny remake of a French film.

The Beysura Dhol award – Dhol for being thoroughly predictable and irritating and giving me a mild headache.

The Run Out of The Theatre Before I Go Crazy award – Dhol again

The Funniest Non-veg Line award – Dil Dosti Etc. “Safed paani ki jheel samajh rakha hai kya?”

The Pyaasa Shaitaan Ridiculous Bhoot award - The accented Bengali bhoot in Bhool Bhoolaiyya

The Dinosaur Can Walk Through Loopholes award - Bhool Bhoolaiyya for stretching my abandonment of logic too far

Rating: 6/10

Nana Patekar was the person who held my attention throughout Welcome. Even when someone else was speaking, I was watching him to learn from his reactions. I"ve started the 3 month course at Anupam Kher"s Actor Prepares, so it"s time I started paying extra attention to great actors in order to learn from them. Actually, the first time I watch a movie, I  watch it without any intentions of analysing it; I just watch it as it is. Only if it"s worth repeated viewings do I subsequently watch with intent to learn. Within about half an hour of Welcome I realised it wasn"t a movie I"d enthusiastically watch again, so I decided to make the most of it by observing Nana Patekar, who was outshining just about everyone else.
 I"m sure everyone knows the threadbare plot by now, so I won"t bother trying to define something that doesn"t really exist. Lack of story or plot isn"t really an issue with me as long as the proceedings are gripping or really funny. Someone who only occasionally watches movies might find Welcome very funny, but regular viewers will find it just about, I guess. There are several moments which are uproarious and laugh-out-loud funny, but it"s the padding in between that I felt to be a little under-written. It was like cooking 6 pieces of chicken for 10 people and then using a whole lot of Nutrela chunks as filler.
 So what really makes a great comedy? Funny situations? Funny lines? Funny characters? Good acting? I guess they"re all essential. Welcome has a great cast, good lines, and characters with potential, but I really feel the whole turned out less than the sum of the parts. I think it"s because some of the situations were just toooooo zabardasti - too far-fetched. I mean, would any guy go to meet his prospective father-in-law without even knowing his name? Okay, we"ll let the movie take its creative liberties and assume that Akshay Kumar"s character forgot to ask Katrina"s character. I"m ready to turn off my logic switch, but what about other members of the paying public?
 Some of the songs were horrible. In the first one, some really lousy voice began singing for Akshay Kumar. I thought, who the hell"s this? Then I realised it was Himesh Rishammiya. I really don"t get this - why the hell don"t directors bother to use singers whose voices match the actors"? Himesh Rishammiya"s voice for Akshay Kumar? I mean, are you nuts? My personal opinion about Himesh as a musician is that he"s a brilliant composer and arranger - he really knows to create catchy and melodious tunes. But I wouldn"t pay to listen to him sing.
 Have you seen No Entry, Anees Bazmee"s previous film? Even that was devoid of any logic, but it was funny too, and that"s what mattered for me. But the weird thing is Anees Bazmee"s used that same hanging over a cliff climax again! Why? Aren"t there other ways of ending a film?
 Of the actors, Paresh Rawal is good as usual, although he might be getting tired as an actor of the same kind of role. If I were in his shoes, I"d have found his role in No Smoking a wonderful change. He was the best thing about that film. Katrina doesn"t have much to do. Mallika showed good timing in Pyaar Ke Side Effects. With a little more attention to timing, she could have been hilarious. Anil Kapoor was good, but he could have been much better. After Nana Patekar, it"s Vijay Raaz who makes the best of his time in the film.
 Anyway, back to Nana. He" one of the few perfect actors in our film industry. It was a treat watching him in Welcome. Hell, it"s always a treat watching him. He"s always totally in the character. "Brilliant is an inadequate word to describe his work in Ab Tak Chhappan. In Taxi No 9211, he was completely Raghu Shastri. I seriously recommend that film just for Nana"s performance. He never does anything that"s meant to be funny within the context of the film, yet we laugh a lot. Even in Hattrick, an okay film, he was always living his role. Correct me if I"m wrong, but I think Welcome could be his first full blown comedy. He"s got the most memorable line of all. When Anil Kapoor asks him why he"s addressing Paresh Rawal as Ghungroo "ji", he says "Arre aaj kal biscuit ko bhi Parle Ji keh ke bulate hain."
 Man, I"ve been passing judgement on actors" performances for a long time now. I think I"m going to get into big trouble. What if I actually meet these people someday, they read my blog, and then next time they meet me they punch me in the nose? Or worse, they get me chucked out of the film I"m doing with them and might have a small role in. And what about my own acting later, when everyone in the world will have the liberty to say I sucked big time? Brrrrr....

Bottomline

You might like this film if you liked: No Entry or any other of the usual maintream comedy films

Rating: 8.5/10
Have you ever noticed how you laugh much more in a group than when you’re alone, especially when it comes to watching movies? There’re group dynamics and identification with other people and other theories, which I claim no intensive knowledge of, to explain this. My point is, the 10 or so of us in Fame Malad were laughing so hard while watching Return of Hanuman, I wonder how things would’ve been if the hall had been full. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard during an animated movie. Shrek and Monsters Inc, I guess.
 The first Hanuman was cute, but this one is genius on many levels. Just sample these and you can decide for yourself if it’s your kind of movie:
- Brahma berates Chitragupt when he catches him with his laptop switched to menka.com
- Young Hanuman eats everything in sight and the background song is ‘Paet hai ya black hole?’
- A spying eagle has Mission Impossible-style sunglasses and theme music and sends a fax to Rahu Ketu
- Shukragrah, the planet of demons, has a TV channel called Shukra TV
- A fighting monkey does a Rajnikant style cigarette flip


These are just a few of the many, many brilliant flights of imagination in Hanuman Returns. I don’t need to tell you the plot and I don’t need to tell you about the characters. If you enjoy creativity or comedy, and you don’t have the mindset that animation is for kids, then I’m sure you’ll adore this movie.
 It’s very fashionable to criticize Indian animation on the grounds that it’s kind of tacky and doesn’t compare with international stuff like Ratatouille, The Incredibles, Cars, etc etc. But there are very very valid reasons for that. If you want to know, read this very enlightening article, by Anurag Kashyap himself. The article’s called ‘Why Return of Hanuman should be a blockbuster’.
 ‘Simply because it has to pave the way for bigger better animation movies that can compete on the international level. Return Of Hanuman can’t, because it falls way below the mark. It has got great reviews but largely because the way it unfolds, it entertains, but when you talk quality, it’s lacking. Whose fault is it other than mine? What does it take to make a great animation movie? Time.. the money, because that buys us time, if not time then it buys us more manpower.. Who do we blame for the quality of animation.. You can not blame the animators..Certainly not TOONZ who did the animation, they have done far better work and if you see closely there are bits in ROH that are brilliant.. those are the bits that were done earlier, they took their own time before things were hurried up..’
 Do read the full write-up.
 It takes a long, long time and a lot of effort and it goes without saying that it also takes a lot of money to produce a quality animation film. Anurag Kashyap says the real hero behind Return of Hanuman is Hari Verma, the Chief Creative Officer of Toonz India. Passion for cinema also has more of the inside story from Hari Verma.
A word for Anurag Kashyap. His scripts and dialogues have always been brilliant, in my humble opinion. Paanch I think lost its way towards the climax, Black Friday is my favourite movie of maybe the last few years, No Smoking I enjoyed although I didn’t understand the underlying allegories, and now, the man who’s given us such brilliantly dark, David Fincher-y movies has let loose his imagination in a happy, extremely funny, animated film! Just goes to show a creative mind can be creative anywhere, whether in Satya or Yuva or Mixed Doubles or Return of Hanuman. Do I need to tell you again to watch it? It’s people like Anurag Kashyap who’re fighting the war against the system and making it easier for everyone to make new kinds of films. Hats off to him the second time this year.

Bottomline:

You might like this film if you like: Tom & Jerry, any Hollywood animation film, Gabbar Singh-Thakur spoofs, the spoofy parts of Om Shanti Om, Sajid Khan’s brand of spoofs.

Rating: 5/10
Bhool Bhoolaiyya was doing okay until the climax when it started resembling a brainless ‘80s movie. The suspense it had built up till then was passable, although predictable, but once the ‘bhoot’ character started ‘acting’ like a bhoot, it started getting really ridiculous, and my brother and me started cracking jokes, something we almost never do while watching movies. We were watching this at home, by the way.
 There’s a Mithun movie, I think, where he’s going to die of a brain tumour but the villain shoots him in the head during the climax and the bullet removes the tumour or something and he gets fixed. I don’t know whether to classify Bhool Bhoolaiyya’s resolution at the same level, but I will say that this was what I was reminded of.
 I wanted to watch this movie during its initial theatre run, thinking it to be a comedy - Akshay Kumar’s grown into a fantastic comic actor, and even Paresh Rawal was part of the cast. But someone told me it’s actually a suspense/horror kind of flick, and I lost interest. After the stupid mystery subplots of Bhagam Bhag and the headache-inducing Dhol, I didn’t have any faith left in Priyadarshan’s handling of suspense. The only reason I got around to watching it was curiosity, since it’s now ranked among the big hits of 2007.
 Akshay Kumar doesn’t appear till around the 45 minute mark. Paresh Rawal and a few horror film tricks cover up for him decently enough till then. But after Akshay appears, he straddles two genres at the same time. On one hand he’s hunting for the bhoot and on the other hand he’s fooling around with everyone else. I don’t know whether I’d have like the film more if it had stuck to one tone instead of having two legs in two boats, but Akshay does manage to pull it off, to his credit.
 Bhagam Bhag was a comedy with suspense thrown in, Bhool Bhoolaiyya is a suspense film with comedy thrown in. For me, however, the climax was the funniest and most ludicrous part of all, although it was intended to be a frightening horror-film climax. I mean, imagine a Bengali-speaking bhoot! If any Bengali netizens who’ve seen the film are reading this, please leave some comments on what you thought of the bhoot. I have 3-4 Bengalis among my best buddies, and somehow I don’t think whoever mouthed the bhoot’s dialogues was a Bengali.
 The story? Well, there’s a haunted mahal. Shiney Ahuja’s. His wife is Vidya Balan and his childhood friend is Amisha Patel. The bhoot gets a little violent, so he calls his psychiatrist buddy Akshay Kumar to do some ghostbusting.
 Having watch a few films more than the average moviegoer, I aver that people who’ve seen many movies will easily find Bhool Bhoolaiyya predictable. I’m a little flummoxed as to how the hell it became such a big hit. It gets really stupid towards the last half hour. But I guess the average moviegoer doesn’t think too much. Hell, even I don’t think too much – in fact, for movies like Dhamaal and Dhol, I leave my brains at home and come to have a good time. Dhamaal I roared throughout and Dhol gave me a headache. But movies like Bhool Bhoolaiyya pretend to be something they’re not – they try to be psychological thrillers or horror flicks or comic horror or something. But the truth is Bhool Bhoolaiyya is highly superficial and you can pick out nice gaping holes in its logic.


 Bottomline

You might like this film if: You don’t mind a Bengali speaking, Bharatnatyam-dancing bhoot.


Blog Trailer: I"ll soon be posting my list favourite films, performances as well as worst films etc and my own personal nominees for this year"s awards. I just need to watch Return of Hanuman, Welcome and Manorama Six Feet Under and then I"ll be done with this year"s films.